Dear Hatter san
by marshmallow.dtk
Summary: Who says Break can't give advice? Sharon's teasing leads to the creation of an advice column and possibly, much, much more...but can he solve his own problems, let alone others? A spinoff of mangarox14's "Dear 59-kun"!
1. 1: Advice from a Wise Man

Hey guys! This is my first time writing a fanfic for Pandora Hearts, but I thought I'd give it a try since I've been reading PH for ages:)

So...first things first. This is a spinoff off "**Dear 59-kun**" by **mangarox14**, which focuses on Gokudera from Katekyo Hitman Reborn. I thought I'd try making my own Pandora Hearts version^-^ I've asked permission, and she's kindly allowed me to go on with this fic!

Without further ado, here's chapter one! Remember, PH belongs to the one and only Mochizuki Jun!

* * *

Dear Hatter san

Advice from a Wise Man

* * *

It was a relatively normal day in the Rainsworth household.

Relatively, that is.

The weather was nice, and Break was eating a sweet while reading his book thoughtfully when Sharon, who was sitting opposite him, giggled.

_Ignore it, Break. Ignore it, _he thought to himself.

But she kept on giggling, and his instinct told him she wasn't reading a romance novel. Peering up, he noticed her reading a column in the newspaper.

He sighed.

"Ojou-sama, what are you reading this time?"

Sharon stifled another giggle. "Oh, Break, it's nothing you will understand!"

He placed a hand on the newspaper and flipped it around for him to read.

It was an advice column. "Ojou-sama, this is an advice column." He stated rather redundantly.

"Yes, I know. Aren't advice columns charming?" She smiled. "Look, read about this woman who doesn't dare go out of the house because of her giant zit!"

"V-Very charming, m'lady…" Break forced a smile.

"Oh!" Sharon seemed excited. "The best part about such columns is the advice they give! See? Read the response directed to the lady with the terrible zit!"

The white-haired man looked down and almost choked on his sweet.

"_Dear woman-with-a-zit,_

_I suggest you wear a paper bag over your head so as not to attract attention in the streets._

_From the awesome-advice-giver-person."_

"This is terrible, ojou-sama." He shook his head in mock lament. "Even I could give better advice."

Sharon laughed. "Perhaps. Or-" She closed her mouth, lips pursed into a smile. "Perhaps not. I never thought you were the kind to give advice, let alone run an advice column."

"Oh?" He laughed lightly. "Is that what you think of me, ojou-sama?" _Well, I CAN give advice, alright?_

"Perhaps." Sharon took the newspaper back. "Unless you could…prove me wrong? But-" She sipped her tea. "Really, Break, maybe you should try giving advice for once."

And that started the ball rolling.

In a day, a new advice column appeared.

"Mad Hatter advice column. Send your questions in by mail~"

But of course, what other way was there to communicate but letters?

Surprisingly, people _actually wrote in. _

"Mail for you, Xerxes." Reim dumped a small pile of letters on his table before sighing and turning to leave. "Please don't just chuck them into the fire like you did last time; some of them may actually be important letters."

"Helpful as ever, Reim!" As the door fell shut he swiftly sieved through the letters he had received.

Wow, he actually had letters addressed to 'Hatter', his penname. _This is fun. _He smiled as he opened the first letter, and almost laughed out loud as he read it.

…

_Dear Hatter-san,_

_I'm in love with this girl, but she doesn't like me. At all. And when I mean 'doesn't like'…she throws rocks at me whenever I try to approach her and say hi. What should I do?_

_From A Very Sad Man_

…

Time for his reply. He picked up his pen.

…

_Dear Hahaha I want to laugh at you,_

_Because I'm supposed to give you advice, I won't laugh out loud. Yet. Well, I conclude that either you're very ugly, or you stink, or…you're just lousy. Really. Go…take a bath. _

_Oh right: when you say hi to her, bring a shield._

_Love, Hatter-san~_

…

Well, that was weird.

On to the next letter.

…

_Dear Hatter-san,_

_WILL YOU MARRY ME? PLEASE? PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE? I'VE ALREADY CHOSEN MY WEDDING DRESS!_

_Love, fangirl303_

…

He stared at the piece of paper for a while. Wasn't this something worth chucking into the fire?

Nevertheless, he wrote a reply.

…

_Dear fangirl,_

_NO._

_From Hatter-san~_

…

Tossing that rather creepy letter aside, he picked up his third letter.

…

_Dear Hatter-kun,_

_I'm fat! I wish I could lose some weight but I don't know how! Please help me!_

_From Blobby_

…

_Dear Wobbly Blobby,_

_Ever heard of the term "exercise"? No? Well, it doesn't matter. Go run around the park everyday and maybe you'll see some results._

_Just maybe~_

_Love, Hatter-san._

…

He'd reply one last letter before going to sleep.

…

_Dear Hatter-san,_

_My idol smokes, so should I follow him and smoke too? Maybe I'll become as cool as him!_

_From GilWannabe_

…

Break couldn't help but laugh at that one.

…

_Dear Wannabe,_

_I'm sorry, but your idol isn't cool. He's embarrassing. Anyway, don't smoke. If you smoke too much you'll die, so don't smoke. _

_Unless you want to die early, of course:)_

_Love, Hatter-san._

…

Clearing his desk, the white-haired man sighed. He wasn't that bad at giving advice, was he?

A smile played on his lips. Running an advice column was fun; he wouldn't mind continuing to be Hatter-san for a while.

No?

* * *

Okay, that was chapter one! Hope it was fine.

**PLEASE READ**:

Alright, let's get to the point.

I've actually fully planned out the entire story (it amounts to about 30+ chapters!) so yes, this story will have an actual plotline. It will not be Break-centric, but I will definitely put in as much Break as I can. HOWEVER, this all depends on your feedback! I can switch plans easily according to your responses, so tell me if you'd like to see action, romance or pure crack or whatever.

OH RIGHT, tell me what pairings you'd like to see, because I've actually planned some pairings BUT I want to hear what you guys want:D So it all depends on you guys! Please tell me what you want to see, and I'll plan everything out properly so that there won't be some awful mix-up halfway through the fic. Aka **PLEASE SEND IN LETTERS! :D**

Love you guys very much! See you in the next chapter!

m. dtk


	2. 2: Nightmares, Idolism and Sugar

Hey guys! I'M NOT DEAD8D I am so sorry for not updating for soooo long; I had a shortage of letters and brainpower, and combined with laziness-cum-extreme procrastination, it took me ages to get this done. The actual writing process didn't take that long, but I kept rewriting and rewriting...bleh.

* * *

This space shall be left for the usual disclaimers: PH belongs to Mochizuki Jun, and this fic is a spinoff of  
**Dear 59 kun** by **mangarox14**. Check it out if you're a KHR fan!

* * *

And this space will be left for all the thanking:

Reviewers: **MirrorDede, Kinoko182, Katy Starcatcher**

Alerts/Faves: **xXPureMadnessXx, MirrorDede, KyoxSakiFan, Adoxography, Kinoko182, Kimi-chan76**

Special thanks to Katy Starcatcher for her awesome letter^-^

* * *

Dear Hatter san

Nightmares, Idolism and Sugar

* * *

Break sighed as he seated himself in front of his mahogany desk after a long and frustrating day in Pandora Headquarters…thanks to the _idiot _who had messed up a portion of the archives and had left _him_ to do it.

Break and paperwork did NOT go well together.

Brushing a portion of his white bangs over his forehead, he blinked, eye darting towards the envelope holder he had gotten specifically for his own purposes.

Mainly his advice column…but he wouldn't go around announcing that, would he?

He was actually rather happy when he noticed quite a large pile of letters waiting to be opened. _In your face, ojou-sama! _He yelled inwardly as he picked them up to read.

The first came in a frilly pink envelope, which he ripped apart graciously. Leaving it in shreds on his left, he unfolded the pink letter that it had come with.

…

_Dear Hatter-sama,_

_I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. HEHEHEHE. I'M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE AND IMMA EAT YOUR BRAINS OUT. _

_I lied. I'm a creepy fangirl who wants to kidnap you to my house and, uh, yeah; that's the plan for now. _

_Soooo, can I do that? _

_Love, MUACKSXOXO_

…

He stared at it for a while. What the HELL was this person's problem-oh wait. A fangirl. Go figure.

Resisting the temptation to rip the letter to shreds too, he reached out for his pen to scribble a reply.

…

_Dear MUACKS (no, PLEASE),_

_That's very nice, but I'll have to say DOWNRIGHT HELL NO, YOU CREEPY STALKER. Go stalk someone else…like VINCENT NIGHTRAY or something. Oh yes. Kidnap him and do whatever you want with him. Send me photos._

_Or you could go kidnap Vincent's brother. He's really fun to bully. I'm hoping you have cats in your house:)_

_From Hatter-san_

…

And he promptly threw the letter and shredded bits of envelope into the fire.

…

_Dear Hatter-san,_

_I'm a sugar addict, and I can't stop eating sugarish food. What do you think? Should I stop?_

_Love, Curiosity_

…

Oh finally, a letter that actually made SENSE.

…

_Dear Curiosity didn't kill the cat; scissors did,_

_I would like to applaud you for being a sugar addict. Join the club; I'm president._

_Sugar is good for you. Anyone that tells you to quit eating sugary food is an ass. A real big ass._

_Now, care to join me for a cup of tea? With cake and sugar biscuits?_

_Love, Hatter-san_

…

With a small smile on his face, Break picked up the third letter and snorted. He knew this guy.

…

_Dear Hatter-san,_

_I have a fear of cats. I've had a fear of cats since goodness knows when, and I don't know how to get rid of it! This phobia makes me useless! I can't protect my friends properly because I either freeze when I see cats or I AAAAHHHHHH WAIT I NEED TO FINISH THIS LETTER QUICKLY THERE'S A CAT IN MY ROOM NO GO AWAY GO AWAY AAAAHHHH-_

…

The letter ended with a few scratches and three lines of incomprehensible scribbling. Break shook his head in exasperation as he began writing.

"My god, you are such an idiot."

…

_Dear Fantastic Cat-Lover,_

_Before I actually give you 'advice', allow me to laugh at you. Scratch that. I'll just laugh at you now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA. _

_There._

_I'm not sure what you can do to get rid of your phobia, but it's fine anyway. Either way you're still as useless, no? Maybe you should interact with cats more often to get rid of your fear. How about I get you one for your birthday or something? How about a tiger?_

_From Hatter-san._

…

_Dear Hatter-san,_

_There's this girl I see in school every single day, and she plays the piano perfectly. I want to confess to her, but I'm an ugly person and she'd probably slap me if I tried. What should I do?_

_From Troubled_

…

Break pouted.

…

_Dear Troubled,_

_Just confess. Geez, don't NOT confess and regret it eons later! If she rejects you, MOVE ON. That ain't all to life._

_Let's see…if you're ugly, make it up with…flowers:D_

_Love, Hatter-san_

…

_Dear Hatter-kun,_

_I think a bunch of aliens came and stole my dog, 'cause when I woke up it was missing. What do you think?_

_From EHMAGAWD_

…

_Dear DO YOU SEE MY WTF FACE,_

_Sure they did. Go chase after them with your magical flying carpet._

_From Hatter-san_

…

_Dear Hatter-san,_

_There's this guy I always see around the streets accompanying a blonde boy and a dark-haired girl. He has the most gorgeous raven hair and THE most beautiful golden eyes ever, and I really think he's hot. Oh, and he smokes. Which is badass awesome. Should I approach him?_

_Love, Radar-Luna_

…

_Dear Radar-is-haywire,_

_You know what, I JUST might know that guy, and let me tell you something. _

_HE'S A NINJA._

_Oh, and smoking isn't good for you. Really. Don't try it, alright~_

_Love, Hatter-san_

…

Break stifled a yawn as he reached out for the last letter in the pile he had grabbed.

…

_Dear Hatter-sama,_

_I think red eyes are creepy. My classmate has red eyes and she scares the shit out of me every morning 'cause she has long black hair AND a pale complexion. No, she isn't a ghost, she just looks like one…but it freaks me out anyway. Sooooo…what are your opinions?_

_Love, I have blue eyes and I like them_

…

_Dear Blue-eyes,_

_I take offence at that first lineD Although admittedly, I'd prefer another eye color. Your classmate sounds freakier than me, and that's freaky! As long as she doesn't attempt to murder you or something, you're safe. Have fun in school~_

_Love, Hatter-san_

…

Feeling accomplished, Break stretched back and stood up from his chair, smiling contentedly at the pile of letters he had replied that evening. Hey, he'd actually bothered to give them proper advice, and that totally deserved a sweet. Unwrapping a strawberry lollipop, he plopped himself down on his bed and sucked on it, allowing the pure sugary sweetness to overtake his senses for a brief, almost euphoric moment.

Goddamn, he was a total sugar addict…and loving it.

* * *

**Remember to send in your letters! This fic can't survive without them^-^  
**


	3. 3: You WHAT?

My most awesomest readers, I LOVE YOU. And no, there's no such word as awesomest. I made that up.

I've been away ever since mid-November, hence the giant hiatus. I'm sorry for leaving this fic sad and un-updated for so long! Updates will come at a much slower rate next year 'cause I have to focus on my studies and all in 2011…but I promise I'll still be here! Continue submitting letters kay:) Thanks so much for all your support btw; next shout-out at chapter 5!

* * *

PH belongs to Jun, and this fic is a spinoff off Dear 59 kun by mangarox14. Check it out if you're a KHR fan:D

* * *

Dear Hatter san

You WHAT?

* * *

"Oi, Xerxes!"

Break stopped mid-stride, turning around in mild surprise at his name being called from down the corridor. "Oh, hello there, Liam-"

He was interrupted by the flustered brunette. "Don't you 'hello there' me! What's this about ignoring your paperwork?"

"Oh, that." He faked a tragic sigh. "I threw it into the fire again."

"You _WHAT_?"

The white-haired man surveyed the other's mortified expression for a few moments before breaking into light laughter. "Oh, stop being so uptight, will you?"

Liam groaned in exasperation. "Stop saying that! Anyway-" Pushing up the rim of his glasses, he glanced sharply at Break. "About your paperwork…?"

"Right." Break smiled serenely, his brain searching for a quick excuse. "I was busy…with other things."

Well, it _was _true to some extent; I mean, his advice column was important too, right?

"_Right." _He echoed back. "And what are these 'other things' you're doing, may I ask?"

_And THIS is my cue to run away. _"Oh, would you look at the time, Liam-san! I'll be going now~" He quickly turned, and, avoiding Liam's grasp, sped away gleefully while saying, "I'll pass you the paperwork latest by tomorrow!"

"Fine! I want to see those documents on my desk tomorrow! I'm not going to get scolded again just because you didn't hand it up on time…OI!"

The spectacled man sighed as he watched Break disappear round the bend, yet making no actual effort to stop him.

"God, you'll be the _death_ of me, Xerxes…"

xxx

Break stared at the stack of ignored papers sitting in a distant corner of his desk.

_Oh, so THAT'S what he was talking about._

Unwrapping a roll of candy, he sat down and stared stubbornly at the overdue paperwork. If only that would disappear.

Ah well. He'd do it later.

Turning away from the stack on the left, he faced the stack on the right…which was MUCH more appealing. Smiling slightly, he picked a blue envelope from the pile and opened it, hence marking the start of a new letter answering session.

…

_Dear Hatter-san,  
First, I wanna say thank you for your review. It was very entertaining! ^^ I got a HELL lot of problems and I need you to help me. _

_I have this friend of mine who likes to rip off dolls and plays with scissors. He said he liked this guy named Vincent and tried to imitate him. He's getting on my nerves... what should I do?  
From, yes scissors also killed the cat but curiosity is better, Curiosity_

…

Break popped another piece of candy in his mouth.

_Goddamn Vincent._

…

_Dear Curiosity,_

_Why, it's you again~ No problem; you're entertaining too. Keep on writing in._

_Just one thing. Your friend's insane. And gay. His idol is a magnificent bastard that'd probably rip your friend up with scissors when he realises he's being fanboyed over._

_Oh, whatever. Leave him to his fate~_

_Love, Hatter-san!_

...

_Dear Hatter-san,_

_There's this kid in my school who constantly exclaims 'I LOVE YOU!' whenever we're in any public place. No, that doesn't mean like if we're not in school. He seizes the opportunity to tell me how he loves me oh-so-much even in the most mundane places. Like while I ATTEMPT -key word, attempt- to eat lunch._

_The problem is that I don't know if he's serious or not. I've counted at least six times, and he yells it across the room. Every time, my face turns bright red, and this awkward silence ensues. He might be joking and trying to tease me, or he could be serious. If he is serious, then I really want to make sure he doesn't get the wrong idea... but it would be mortifying if I was to approach him about it and it turns out that he was only joking..._

_-Majorly Annoyed_

…

_Dear Annoyed Kiddo,_

_The guy's obviously an idiot. He's doing it totally wrong either way! There are so many other ways to annoy the hell out of people, and he chooses THIS? He has no taste._

_Okay, seriously, just ask him why he's doing it! Extract the truth from him before it's too late! _

_Alternatively, you could try ignoring him. Whatever works~_

_From Hatter-san!_

…

_Dear Hatter-san,_

_There's this DUCK following me around EVERYWHERE, and it would NOT stop quacking in Spanish! Advice needed?_

_-From Mom's Dish Washer_

…

_Dear Dish Washer,_

_One thing._

_YOU'RE HALLUCINATING. Here's one ticket to the mental hospital._

_Alternatively, you could trap the duck and…cook it for dinner. Or learn Spanish and keep it as a pet! See, isn't my advice awesome?_

_From Hat-_

…

"Break?

A knock of the door caused Break to _almost _smudge his signature mid-word. Pen hovering above the incomplete last line, he inhaled. "Yes?"

"It's Sharon."

At once, he silently began shoving letters underneath his desk, hand reaching for the doorknob. _If I get caught I WILL BE SCREWED, _he told himself as he inspected his now-rather-innocent-looking study table, changing his expression to one of calmness and mild amusement as he opened the door.

"Hello there, m'lady."

Eyes narrowed, she scanned the room before stepping in and folding her arms as the door closed again.

"What is this I hear about you avoiding your paperwork? _Again_?"

He sighed. "I'm getting to it! Liam told me it's due tomor-"

"No, Break, it was supposed to be due _today_. Be thankful that this bunch of paperwork isn't the most important of the lot or you'd be in deep trouble."

"…Does that mean I'm not in trouble as it is?"

The two sat in silence before Sharon gave a reproachful look at him.

Before smiling really widely.

"Well, I expect to see that paperwork done and sorted by tomorrow, alright?"

Her grin stretched wider, a hand reaching for a certain large paper fan-

"Of course, m'lady…" Break immediately put on his most reassuring look, not wanting to admit that at times like these, Sharon _seriously creeped him out._

"Good." She put a hand on the doorknob and opened the door before hesitating. "One last thing, Break."

He nodded.

"Are you hiding something from me?"

_Damn, she's onto me. _

"Not at all, m'lady~" He sang. "Would you like me to escort you back to your room?"

At that, the little lady smiled slightly as she shook her head. "I can make it back by myself, thank you very much. Oh, and-" She said while closing the door lightly, "I still think you're hiding something. Goodnight."

* * *

In a matter of minutes (two, to be exact), Break had his pens and letters out on his desk again. After watching Sharon disappear down the hallway he'd decided to reply a few more letters before actually beginning on his paperwork. How extremely productive of him.

_Oh right, my last sentence. _Quickly, he signed off his previously interrupted reply before moving on to the next letter.

…

_dear hatter-san,  
reading ur advice column makes me laugh and really cheers up my day... but i was wondering, CAN I HAVE YOUR SWEETS? CAN I?  
luv, obsessed-with-sugar._

…

_Dear Obsessed-and-obviously-in-need-of-lessons-in-capitalization,_

_Don't be insulted; I am actually extremely honoured by your compliments. Yay me. On the other hand…_

_MY SWEETS ARE MINE ONLY. MY PRECIOUS._

_Okay. Don't tell anyone I said that; that's an embarrassing line. _

_Love, Hatter-san~_

…

Last letter.

…

_Dear Hatter-san,_

_I am sitting in my cupboard as we speak-er, as I write._

_I am hiding…from a cat. Yeah, I'm that same person who wrote in a while back, and this is the same cat we're talking about. HOORAY._

_I-I don't know…I have no idea WHY cats chase after me so much. D'you have any idea why?_

_From Zorro._

…

_And out of the millions of names out there, you had to choose ZORRO? _Break facepalmed, not knowing whether to laugh or to lament Gil's uselessness. The idiot was hiding…in his _cupboard._

From a freaking CAT.

He sighed. This would have to stop. Somehow.

…

_Dear Zorro,_

_Well, at least you signed off this time. The last time…oh, never mind. Bringing it up would just make you sound even more useless than you are now. In a CUPBOARD. I say it's time you get over this phobia! Tell that cat to go away! Be a man!_

_As for why cats like you…I'm not answering that 'cause I have no clue. _

_From Hatter-san._

…

From behind the desk, Break smirked to himself as he wrote a mental note.

_Give Gilbert a pet kitten for the new year._

Gil's cat phobia was going down in the most interesting way possible; he'd make sure of that.

But first…PAPERWORK.

* * *

**Operation Zorro starts in 2011:) Have a happy holiday and awesome new year guys!**


End file.
